Two keys in the Kingdom of God that will bring healing to your heart and redemption to your life: the Word of God and Forgiveness.

In a world where the pain of our past can weigh heavily on our hearts, it's easy to feel lost, alone, and burdened by shame. But today, I want to remind you that there is hope, there is healing, and there is redemption in the love of our Father and forgiveness of our Savior.


If you're like me, you may have made a decision in your past that still haunts you to this day. You may carry the weight of guilt, shame and regret for your choice of aborting your child, a choice that seemed like the right choice or the only choice you had at the time. Or you may have tried to go on with your life, pretending that your decision to abort your baby has had no effect on your life, but you keep making bad decisions. I want you to know that you are not alone. Millions of women have been in the place that you are, unable to get past the deep hurt and shame that the post abortion decision creates. I should know because I am one of those women. This is my story.


When I was 17 years old, I became pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy and the father of the child pushed me to abort my baby telling me he would leave me if I did not. I was filled with fear. I was bombarded with lies that you still hear today, pro-choice, not a child, just a blob of tissue, etc. I also believed that I would be kicked out of my parents’ house and that I would have nowhere to go. Out of desperation, fear, and doubt, I made the agonizing choice to abort my baby, convincing myself that my baby would be better off. I relinquished myself and my voice as I failed to stand up for myself and let a boy push me to do something that I did not want to do.

A month after my 18th birthday, I had an abortion. I still recall in detail the events of that day. I remember that during the procedure, I changed my mind and I wanted to stop, I was sobbing uncontrollably and whispering “no, please stop” and “this is so wrong,” but my voice was so weak at this point, no one heard me. After the procedure, I was devastated and so ashamed. At this time, I felt alone and defeated. I told no one what I had done as the pain was so great, I internalized it all and went into darkness within myself.


The abortion of my child haunted me as I constantly berated myself thinking: “what kind of person murders her own child?” The thoughts were torturous. I hated myself for what I did and could not forgive myself. This self-loathing and unforgiveness affected other decisions that I made in the future.

Despite the self-loathing and other emotions that I was experiencing, instead of healing, I stuffed everything that I was feeling and everything that I had done and tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. I tried to forget the decision that I had made and the abortion procedure itself.
Shortly after the abortion I was date raped and I spiralled into more darkness because I believed that I deserved it for what I had done and that I was being punished by God for what I did. I believed this because I kept hearing it repeatedly in my head, whether it was my own thoughts or the enemy planting it in my mind, it didn’t matter because I believed it.


I continued to try and run from myself and what I had done. Instead of dealing with my emotions and my decision, I stuffed everything inside. This was not a good choice, as I continued to make horrible decisions. I married the boy who pushed me to abort our child. This boy was an addict, an abuser and an adulterer. I accepted this horrific treatment, as again I felt that I deserved it.

After seven years of this abuse, I couldn’t take it anymore as I finally realized that this was not going to change and if I didn’t do something that I was going to live the rest of my life being treated like this.


I quickly made another bad decision. There was a man who seemed wonderful, who was amazing to me and my children, that is until after I married him. He was a narcissist. He was also an addict, abuser, and adulterer. I was now living in a real life nightmare. He would say and do anything to get his way and get what he wanted, including raping and hurting me physically. The severe abuse that I endured at the hands of this man caused me to become void of all human emotions and I functioned in a survival mode as a shell of a person.

I blamed myself for all of it, again believing that I deserved it. No matter how hard I tried, I could not forgive myself for the abortion and subsequent bad decisions that I had made that caused the devastation to the people I loved most: my children. To escape it all, I decided to commit suicide, as I needed it to stop and I saw no other way out. When I was attempting to kill myself, I saw the faces of my children flash before me and heard a small whisper “they need you.” I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was God. At that moment I realized that if I killed myself, my children would be left with these horrible men, as I had two more children with my second husband. I couldn’t let that happen.

I thought I was beyond redemption, but God's love reached down and lifted me out of the pit of despair. It was at this darkest time, that God saved me. I went home from my suicide attempt and instead of numbing the pain with drugs or alcohol, I was drawn to and picked up a Bible. As I delved into the Bible, the Holy Spirit talked to me about the love and forgiveness of Jesus and as I allowed His love, grace, and mercy to wash over me, I slowly began to feel worthy for the first time in my life. This began the difficult process of rebuilding my life and my children’s lives.


In the Bible, there are so many stories of redemption, forgiveness, and grace. Even in our darkest moments, God's love shines brightest. I felt so alone and defeated, but I read and chose to believe the Word of God. I chose to believe that the Lord is good. I choose to believe that He loved me and forgave me for my past. I chose to believe that he never left me or forsook me. I chose to believe that He was close to me because I was brokenhearted and He saved me because I was crushed in spirit. I chose to believe that even when I was having the abortion, that He was with me. I chose to believe that while I was repeatedly raped and abused He was with me. I chose to believe His word, that He loved me and I was His daughter.

In Isaiah 43:18, we're reminded to forget the former things and not to dwell on the past. He doesn’t dwell on our past, as it has been wiped away and forgiven, so why was I dwelling on something that He wasn’t? It was because I had not forgiven myself. Forgiveness of yourself is also a key to your healing.

In 2004, I had a supernatural experience. I had a visual encounter with Jesus. It was during this encounter that I forgave myself. When I met Him, He didn’t berate me, shame me or condemn me for what I had done. He loved me, spoke gently to me and placed a crown on my head, confirming my identity as His royal daughter. He said that if I didn’t forgive myself, then what He had done on the cross would have been for nothing. He said that I needed to forgive myself as He already had forgiven me. I was able to forgive myself after this encounter.

God saved me and healed me. He did it for me and He can do it for you! So, if you're struggling with the pain of past decisions, know that God's love knows no bounds. He is ready and willing to offer you forgiveness, healing, and restoration. You hold the keys to unlock your healing, when you are ready, you can choose to use them and receive the redemption that He freely offers.

Dear sister, no matter where you've been or what you've done, there is hope in Christ. You are loved, you are cherished, and you are forgiven.
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