According to the statistics over 63 million abortions have occurred in the United States since the decision of Roe v. Wade, issued by the US Supreme Court in 1973. Were you aware that it is estimated that 70% of those abortions were by women that identify as a Christian and 16% by those claiming to be evangelical Christians? (This is according to a 2015 Lifeway Research Study, sponsored by Care Net, a nonprofit organization supporting pregnancy centers across the United States.) That means that seven out of ten women that have an abortion in this Country are Christians. If this number shocks you, it should, as that is a lot of hurting women sitting next to you in your church every week.


It is undeniable that a woman suffers as a result of the trauma of the abortion. Many of them are suffering in silence as they are unable to talk about the pain and emotions that have been caused by this trauma in Christian circles as a result of the shame and condemnation that has been created regarding this sin.


I should know, as I am one of those women. I am living proof that the thief came to kill, steal and destroy. I am also living proof that Jesus came so that I may have life and that I may have it more abundantly. I am going to tell you the story of my life, so you can see how satan and all of his underlings have attacked me, but also how God saved me, freed me and healed me, all to His Glory. This is just my story and we all have our own story, but my journey contains many tragic and devastating things that had happened to me, either by others actions or things I did to myself, but as our Father usually does, He didn’t leave me where He found me, He made beauty out of ashes. I am going to be vulnerable and tell you my story and my healing journey so that you will have hope that you can also heal.

My trauma, like most traumas, started when I was a little girl.

I was born the third child, second daughter, in a four children family. When I was three days old, my older brother put a dime in my mouth and my mother heard me choking and gasping and saved me from dying. When I was three, I fell through ice and had to be saved from drowning, and when I was about the same age, I was chased by a horse. When I was about 5, I fell down a hill when I was trying to grab acorns from a tree and hit my head on a rock and was knocked unconscious, and when I was six, I was charged by a bull, which my grandfather stopped but got horned himself. So much physical trauma by the time I was 6 years old. When the enemy couldn’t take me out physically, he turned to use other people to take me out emotionally.

My earliest memories of my mother are of her verbally and emotionally abusing me. This was a continued pattern in my relationship with my mother until I was 39 years old and that was the first time I remember my mother telling me that she loved me.
At some point, while I was still young, I eventually stopped trying to convince my mother that I should be loved and that I was important. When I became a teenager, I rebelled. Since I didn’t feel loved at home, I turned to others to make me feel and believe that I was important, that I was special and or that I deserved to be loved. When I was sixteen, I started to date a young man, who would eventually become my first husband.

A month before I was 17 years old, I became pregnant and learned of the news right around my eighteenth birthday. This was an unplanned pregnancy and the father of the child; my ex-husband constantly pushed me to abort the baby telling me he would leave me and other negative things if I did not.


I was filled with fear. I was bombarded with lies that are still here today, pro-choice, not a child, just a blob of tissue, etc. I also knew that I would be kicked out of my parents’ house as I would bring them shame and that I would have nowhere to go. I believed the lie that I would not be able to provide for my child and rationalized that I needed to go to college.


Out of desperation, fear and doubt, I made the agonizing choice to abort the baby, convincing myself that the child would be better off as I would be alone and homeless and that was not a good environment to bring a child into the world.


A month after my 18th birthday, I aborted my child. I still recall in detail the events of that day. I remember that during the procedure, I changed my mind and I wanted to stop, I was sobbing uncontrollably and whispering “no, please stop” and “this is so wrong,” but my voice was so weak at this point, no one heard me.


After the procedure, I was devastated and so ashamed. At this time, I felt alone and defeated. Looking back now, I realize that allowing another person to push me into doing something that violated me, was the start of a continuous pattern of me allowing others to violate me.


I told no one what I had done. Instead of dealing with my emotions and loss, I stuffed everything I was feeling in the depths of my heart and I tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. I continued with my senior year of high school, but with darkness as my heart was broken.

I started to fall apart when I did not get into the colleges that I wanted to go to, and then when I was told that I received a full scholarship to college, but on the day of the award ceremony, it was pulled from me, leaving me with no scholarships to attend college. I spiraled downward fast, as I had justified as one of the reasons that I aborted my baby was because I would not be able to provide for my child unless I went to college and got a good education. I was suffering and I was suffering in silence as no one knew what I had done. I vowed to myself that I would get a good education as I was going to ensure that I was never put in that position again where I felt I could not provide for a child. This pushed me to excel no matter what I was dealing with emotionally internally.


That fall, I went off to a state college and tried to forget the decision that I had made and the abortion procedure itself. While in college, I was date raped and I believed that I deserved it for what I had done and that I was being punished by God for what I did. I believed this because I kept hearing it repeatedly in my head. Ashamed and defeated, I told no one and stuffed this trauma into the depths of my heart and did what I had done previously, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen.

I ran from the circumstances and returned home to attend a local college as I didn’t want to be where I had experienced more trauma. When I returned home, I was more damaged and my parents didn’t know what to do with my rebellious behavior as they had no idea what I was dealing with and my mother was still my mother, not loving or kind.


I was kicked out of my parent’s house by the time I was 19 years old. When this happened, I spiraled down even more as I knew that one of the main reasons that I chose to abort the baby was to avoid that circumstance and it happened anyway.


The abortion of my child haunted me as there were constant reminders about the abortion. The date of when my baby would have been born, when I saw a woman nursing her baby, when I saw children that would have been the same age, and holidays, including Mother’s Day. I was also constantly berating myself thinking: “what kind of person murders her own child?” The thoughts were torturous. I hated myself for what I did and could not forgive myself. This self-loathing and unforgiveness affected other decisions that I made in the future.


Since one of my driving forces was to ensure that I was never put in that situation again, I excelled through college and beyond, through law school.


I married the father of my child in heaven right after college and during this marriage I had three children. The marriage was horrific, as he was selfish and self centered, as well as an addict, abusive and a repeat cheater. During the marriage with my first husband, I also was sexually harassed and discriminated against based on my pregnancy at a law firm. This is one of the first times that I stood up for myself as I reasoned how I will stand up and fight for others if I can’t even fight for myself. After this first step, I took another step to stand up for myself and my children. After tolerating seven years of this horrible environment, I made the decision to leave him.


After I left my first husband, I was devastated, but instead of healing, I jumped into another relationship with a coworker. At first he was wonderful, charming and attentive, but overtime, it slowly started to change. He was also wonderful to my three children. I was so damaged from my first husband that when I started to see red flags, I chose to ignore them and decided to marry him for the benefit of my children needing what I thought was a good father figure, as their father was not.


After marrying him, I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. I remember right after the ceremony, I said out loud to myself, “I just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.” That profession came to pass. He was also an addict, an abuser, and a cheater, but he was a narcissist, so he did and said whatever he wanted with no regard for me, including verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abusing me. My second husband made my first husband seem like a puppy dog, as he was a vicious pitbull. He was wonderful to my three children, that is until I had two other children with this man, then he started to verbally and emotionally abuse my three oldest children.


This marriage was far worse than the first marriage and I found that I and my children were living in a real life nightmare. I was afraid of this man as he was six feet three inches tall and well over 200 pounds, and after several times of being physically harmed, I quickly learned to acquiesce to survive. I was in constant fear. The severe abuse that I endured caused me to become void of all human emotions and I functioned in a survival mode as a shell of a person.
The abuse was so bad that I decided to end it all, by taking my life. I needed the abuse to stop and I saw no other way out. When I was attempting to kill myself, I saw the faces of my children flash before me, I saw them in my mind’s eye and heard a small whisper of how much they needed me. It was at this darkest time, that I realized that I was the only person standing in the way of these horrible men raising these beautiful children. I cried out to God to help me.


I went home from the suicide attempt and picked up a Bible. As I delved into the Bible, the Holy Spirit talked to me about the love and forgiveness of Jesus. As I allowed His love, grace and mercy to wash over me, I slowly began to feel worthy for the first time in a long time. I was still being abused verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually, but I was beginning to feel loved. I was starting to feel human emotion.

When my eldest son came to me and showed me the bruises that my second husband inflicted on him, I learned of the abuse that he and the other children were enduring. At that time, I knew right then and there that we needed to get out. I confided in my lifelong friend and informed her of the abuse and my plan to get out safely. My friend convinced me to turn the situation over to God. Reluctantly I did, and that night for the first time in six months my second husband was physically abusive, (as I had been appeasing him to survive), but for the first time, he failed to hurt me.


Every time he tried to hurt me, he failed at his attempt. I had an anxiety attack which continued well into the next day when my staff, thinking that I was experiencing a heart attack, took me to the emergency room. The hospital staff asked me the one question that saved me: “Are you being hurt?” I whispered “Yes.” Just like that, instead of hiding the abuse as I had done in the past, I finally acknowledged it and the process started. Within days I got a restraining order against him and he was removed from my home.


After he was removed from my home, I began the difficult process of rebuilding my life and my children’s lives. I blamed myself for all of it, again thinking that I deserved it or that I was being punished for what I had done to my unborn child. No matter how hard I tried, I could not forgive myself for the abortion and subsequent bad decisions that I had made that caused the devastation to the people I loved most: my five children. I was reading my Bible, proclaiming His word, praying, worshiping and doing all of the religious things that I knew how to do, but I still couldn’t get past it and had many triggers that would cause me to experience darkness and emotional pain.
In 2004, I had what can only be described as a supernatural experience. I had a visual encounter with Jesus in heaven. It was during this encounter that I experienced Jesus’ love, grace, mercy and forgiveness. Despite what I had done, He looked at me lovingly, He spoke to me gently, He didn’t shame, blame or condemn me. Instead, He loved me and honored me as He explained to me that He forgave me for what I had done and that I needed to forgive myself. He explained that if I didn’t forgive myself, then what He did on the cross would have been for nothing. He placed a crown on my head and then walked with me down a hallway to a balcony. When we stepped out onto the balcony, I saw a sea of people, as far as the eye could see. He said, “because I am caring for your one, you will bring all of these people to Me. I want you to open up a home for pregnant women.” This is a mandate that I am actively working on and waiting to come to pass. More importantly, it was also at that moment that I realized that I was an overcomer, bathed in the love of my Savior, free from all guilt and shame.


In His immense love, He wasn’t done and what He did next in my encounter cracked my heart wide open. He brought my daughter to me and I saw a beautiful blond hair, blue eyed little girl. Her name was Sarah as Jesus had named her. I actually got to visit with her. She told me that she was waiting for me and that she was happy and that she didn’t want me to be sad or feel bad for what I did because she was with Jesus and that she actually felt bad for me because I was on earth. She told me that she loved me and that she forgave me for what I did. Can you imagine that the person that I murdered actually loved me and forgave me? I received a lot of healing that day, but my God wasn’t done.


This supernatural encounter was a big part of my journey of healing and freedom. However, the wounds were so deep and I had stuffed everything into the depths of my being and put large walls around my heart so that no one could get in and hurt me again. I spent several hours a day at His feet for years to allow Him access to my broken and wounded heart and spirit. During this time, He spoke to me and healed me.


If you have had an abortion, and are still suffering in silence, your loving Father wants you to come out of the shadows and into the open. He is waiting to bathe you in His love, grace, and mercy. Your Heavenly Father wants to heal you and set you free from the trauma that has been caused by the abortion, the loss of your child and the trauma caused by other people, including those proclaiming to be Christians after the abortion. He wants to heal you from the wake of damage caused by all the subsequent bad decisions that you made after the abortion. I am here to help, but you have to take the step.


Please note that I am not a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist or any mental health professional in any manner and I am not providing any professional help in that area.
However, I have developed an eight week, Spirit led healing journey to discover where you struggle, whether you are still in a stage of grieving or severe trauma, and to assist you to heal spiritually and emotionally. What I offer, if we are a good fit, is a coaching program to help you come out of the shadows and into the open with your pain, emotions, struggles and trauma so that you can move forward in your healing because with Jesus’ help, you can recover, heal, and be set free from your struggles and walk in the freedom that He paid for at the cross. He did it for me and He can do it for you!

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